Pints of Guinness Make You Strong

It's been so long since I've written anything....

I needed a break. Life was falling apart, and I just thought if I wrote, I'd sound super emo.

Well, my parents are splitting. I had a long talk with my mother a week or two ago...it's so strange to vocally address all the many skeletons my family was always so good at keeping in the closet. Her raw honesty left me feeling somewhat moved...I realized I have been keeping too many things in and hiding so much about my life. I don't want to feel ashamed anymore. So, I'm trying to live my life more...noble?

LDB came over one night, and he found out one of those secrets...my cigarettes. That went over...not well.

So, I told him I would quit. Then I lied about it. But this time, I'm going to do it. Today is day one. Sigh.

I've been staying out of the pub...but at another bar on a normal week night, I ran into Veg. We ended up going to another bar...and then I went home with him. Of course, we did the deed. Again. However, this time I did not spend the night. I went home to my bed. I get attached to guys sometimes when I physically sleep with them. I'm not taking the chance to get physically attached to someone who is still technically married, a bartender, a parent--all in one.
Oh, but he is attractive. And the sex...it's on fire.

Other than playing bad that night, I've been mostly sober. Well, that's another lie. I got shitfaced for a zombie party...I should put pictures up from that. That was a great time...an excuse to wear pumps, a too-short skirt, pigtails, fake blood...and dance in a suspended cage all night, then attempt the stripper pole, only to realize I am way to drunk to remember my pole skills.

It was a good night though. I realized, however, I should never go to a strip club. I will get too drunk on the way due to nerves, and probably wind up stripping.

So that's about it...

Life is life anyway you want to spin it.

I was getting horribly depressed again about my parents, and then I realized I needed to face it, along with all my demons. I hope all this work is worth it in the long run...

If he gave me a sign I'd think about it for a week

I had the best night last night...and it all occurred in my apartment.


I realized, again, I am in love with someone...

I want to speak up.

Sovay

When will life slow down? Balancing school and work and a little bit of a social life is just...exhausting. Just slow down, please!! I am working a double, and I worked last night after class. Whew.

Well, my family...is still a mess. I have been emailing my dad. He apologized for everything he has put me through....something I thought would never happen. Sometimes, I suppose, things in life can change. People can better themselves. I really never thought any of this would happen. I keep replaying this song by Foo Fighters over and over "Stranger Things Have Happened". I discovered when I The Ex and I broke up...a few months ago, I noticed my father playing it on his guitar. It reminds me more of my dad now more than anybody.

In other news, LDB is pretty much out of the picture. I have realized that, in all honesty, while he is okay as a friend and fun, he kind of, sort of, makes me feel awful about myself. I'm sorry, but I'm over those types that will stop themselves mid-sentence to stare at some little girl with anorexic eating habits, fake boobs, too expensive hair, and too much make up. I may never be that drop dead gorgeous girl, but at least I have something behind my eyes...a brain. And I just refuse to feel too fat, too ugly, too not good enough anymore because of some guy that thinks too highly of himself and hasn't grown up yet.

So, it's just life. The seasons are changing. It's getting cold and everything is changing. It's sort of beautiful....if there ever was a time to be alone, now is the time. I don't even remember what it was like anymore to have someone next to me in bed, or what it's like to curl up to someone on the couch while watching a movie. I have my books and my notebooks, my blankets and my pillows. And that's all I need. My true friends, like Brendon and Marcie, we go out, we have fun, we feel good. Then I go home, and no one disappoints me. I still feel inspired and filled with creativity. Maybe one day all my words and scribbles will land me somewhere out of Dayton...

Peace and Luck,
T

The kind that brings you home, when home becomes a strange place

You want to know what is sad? Waiting and ready for the weekend to be over. Such is life though. And this weekend...kind of blows.

I got my butt kicked at work. And went from there downtown. I was way overdressed (originally I was planning on going dancing...those plans fell through. And I was an idiot and didn't take five minutes to stop at home on my way to change clothes). So, I was way overdressed. I met up with a couple people. I had a horrible time. I went home. I read. I had a nightmare. I am now in panera. I will head to work from here.

Overindulgence is always best when grumpy. I am dining on french onion soup, some turkey sandwich, potato chips, and an iced mocha latte. I do feel it helps the grumpiness.

Why so gloom and doom? I got a phone call from brother Friday night...turns out my mom is a bitch, my dad is sad, my family is falling apart.

Do you ever kind of feel like you're four...but you're forty? And everything in your life is kind of suddenly unknown and uncomfortable feeling? My family has always been close. My folks have always been close and married and happy. As if I didn't have trust issues and commitment issues enough already. I am truly on my own for the first time. I can't even go "home" because home is a disaster zone.

Welcome to the break down of the American Family.

At least I have some friends.

I just have to remember which ones are the real ones.

I always kind of thought, too, that I wasn't really that involved in my family. But...I guess they are a pretty big deal in my little world.

I want to life with them to feel "normal" again.

But at least Dad is getting sober...that is something to applauded.

Sigh.

So, here is what I am doing to survive trying times:

-Going to the gym (run, run, run. then, run like hell)
-Reading
-Shopping
-Getting new tattoos
-Working overtime (I am so lucky to have my job...my co-workers are my second family)
-Attempting to plan a party
-Working on my creative writing efforts
-Practicing smoking cigs

It's so strange...preparing to become a "divorced parent kid"...at this age.

Peace and Luck,
T

Stranger things have happened, I know

My father. He is a strong man. A hard working man. Probably the hardest working man. He is talented. He has showed me what music is. That is the only thing he has showed me.

He has brilliant blue eyes. He is intense. He is almost forty-eight.

I don't know much about my father. I have been known him my whole life.

He is an alcoholic.

He drinks all day, every day.

He is very functioning, and very good at drinking.

The majority of our extended have no idea what life has been in like in our household, or that my father even has a problem.

But for us, life has always been a nightmare, a balancing act.

My mother is a petite woman. She is quiet, but has the biggest heart out of anyone I have ever known. I can honestly say she is the best mother.

She is strong. She is becoming independent. She married too young.

Her life amazes me. She came from absolute shit. She is nothing like her childhood, nothing like her parents. She is an amazing woman.

She stayed with my father for my brother and me.

She has always had the best intentions.

She is realizing this "life" is not life.

She finally told him get clean, or I'm out.


I saw my parents for the first time in a couple weeks.

My father looked awful. His eyes weren't boozy, like they normally are. They were....devastatingly sad.

He looked so sad.

He had a piece of paper that said "12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous" and a big blue book that also said "Alcoholics Anonymous".

"I joined," he said, "it's been seven days."

Seven days. The longest, at least, in my lifetime.

I have never been so alone and I have never been so alive

Wow, it feels as though I have not written in...ages.





If I haven't mentioned it earlier, I work full time in a non-profit hospital here in this little city, and I also go to school full time. Because of this, I am lacking many things these days...a life, time, and sleep.





The sleep I am getting used. Honestly, I don't need much sleep, and if I sleep too much, I just feel lazy and groggy all day. After my concussion I didn't sleep at all. I am now sleeping, on average, three and a half to four hours a night. It's okay.





I haven't seen that shrink again, and I am kind of thinking I won't. She had a lot of valid points, and I learned a lot from her. But, I really don't want to lose the little bit of pride I have left. I am taking everything we talked out and everything I learned to heart though. And honestly, I have been feeling better. I also have been trying to write five things I like about myself down in a notebook. I think it may help?

I haven't been going out. I've been going to school, coming home to eat lunch, going to work and coming home to study and sleep.



I went out last night, and I'll get to that in a minute.

I saw my regular doctor last week...got the go ahead to hit the gym...just getting a good workout and run in makes me feel good. And boy, do I have fifteen pounds to lose-stat.

Overall, I have been lonely, but keeping myself busy. I want to meet someone new. I feel like I am starting to get over my past and insecurities (and concussion) but I don't want to settle. I want a guy who feels the same I way I do, and has the same ideas and desires and drive in life. I do not want a bar fly. So I am trying to have faith and just believe that in time all will happen.

Last night was very interesting. I hung out with LDB and Brendon. And Nick briefly. And some cool new strangers. And Veg was bartending. And LDB may have realized I am a slut... I had a blast. It was good to be around people I can still call my friends and people with real souls and real hearts. LDB got me this awesome little peace sign bracelet at this festival he had gone to before. It was really sweet. I am finally starting to accept that we are friends and that is all it will be. I also think that maybe I do (and can) connect/click/spark (whatever) with people...Yes, The Ex really fucked me up for awhile (Oh! I forgot to mention he came over and slept on my couch....very odd....we were...friends? I felt...something like...closure? It was nice, it was after my meltdown and it was kind of fun to just sit with someone who knows me inside and out, dark and light, good and bad-and just not worry or try to impress). So The Ex fucked me up for awhile, and then I started using all these defense mechanisms to keep people out...low self esteem to try to talk them into hating me, saying I don't enjoy kids (I love kids, but The Ex's nephew was sexually abused and I'm the one who caught it...long awful story, made me afraid to get attached to another child), saying I never want to get married (I do, one day, not today or tomorrow), acting selfish...etc etc etc.

So, I guess that is that.


There is so much I want to write about, I feel like I could write forever. I've started working on my novel again here and there, and writing poetry (something I have not done since I lived with The Ex...I write at stop lights, which is how Bullet With Butterfly Wings was actually written :) ) Sometimes I feel like creativity and fluidity and life is flowing from me. I have no idea where it is coming from, but I really am hoping it does not stop.

Peace and Luck,
T